Confessions

It’s that time again: allowing my heart to speak louder than my mind. It is challenging exposing your inner feelings in such public way but ultimately I feel disappointed. And the current lack of familiar faces around makes me resort to you.

Disappointed because I am trying to put this entire project together and every time I contact a non-governmental organization, I hardly ever get a response. Dissatisfied because, once again, my plans for Jordan are somewhat shattered. Frustrated because I had greater expectations about the project itself and I know feel guilty for taking the first four days to do tourism around Jordan as opposed to work. Annoyed because I see flaws in everything I do, making myself the biggest critic of my own work. Displeased because I could have done it all differently from the start. Distressed because rationality and emotions are complete opposites. Thwarted because I am running out of synonyms for disappointed.

Perhaps this is just another one of those inevitable days. I woke up early and immediately headed to the nearest Starbucks to start a full day of work. After a Panini, a strawberry cheesecake and a cappuccino, I still couldn’t find the much-needed concentration – the immediate consequence of an unquiet heart. Indeed, amidst such noisy heartbeats, the mind cannot channel its rational voice. Hence, here I am, letting everything out in an effort to move past this shadow and restore full harmony.

Does the thought of giving up ever cross my mind? Absolutely. However, the prospect of quitting after only a month goes against the very basic principles of this project. Do I envision myself heading back home before putting an end to this current life project? No. At least, both mind and heart agree on such contemplation.